I spent some time with my in-laws this weekend and I noticed periodically they were pawning their babies on me. They might have read my article "I've never liked babies" and/or they think it's good practice for me. Some times it was out of necessity (closes person within proximity) and other times I think my wife secretly put them up to it just to see my overall reaction. Since I have next to "zero" with experience with babies it more like a "grab-bag" on how I might react. After the weekend was over I came away with three new things I learned about babies.

First, babies are heavy. I mean HEAVY! I go to the gym regularly and consider myself to be in reasonable good shape. What I don't understand is how one holds a baby without dropping it to the floor from arm cramps. My arms were cramping after less than 10 minutes. If my wife wasn't so nearby and eager to take my position as "pack-mule" there might have been some serious damage to the tikes. I see mothers all the time lugging their kids around in their arms all over the place and I'm not talking muscle women either. I'm seriously impressed. There must be a technique to this. I shifted them from side-to-side, from arm-to-arm, and over the shoulder without much relief. Some suggested I try resting them on my hip but I'm a dude and I don't have hips. That's why they call them child-bearing hips, bud!

Second, chicks like dudes with babies. It's true. I had more reactions from the opposite sex with a bundle of pooh in my arms than a night at the bar with the boys. I just walked around with a cute kid in my arms and chick just stared at me. I started to remember when I first began dating my wife and we had just finished Sunday brunch. We were leaving the restaurant and I saw her staring at this guy as we were walking out. She stops dead in her tracks and rubber-necks to get another peek at him. I'm thinking I just bought her breakfast and she's getting all hot and bothered over some dude. So I confront her about it after leaving the restaurant. She tells me that she finds a guy holding a baby extremely attractive. I go, "What baby?" So now I'm peaking back in to restaurant through the front window looking for this guy (ego out of control). Guess what, he did have baby in his arm. I never saw it but she sure did. Must talk to the wife and our financial planner about my new business plan, Rent-a-Baby.

Last and most importantly, I learned that one can use the baby as an excuse for anything. Bored at some get-together, then tell the host that your kid is tired and getting fussy and you'll get a hall pass . I like this a lot! No one questions you and you're encouraged to leave. I'm going to take my kid every where. Especially to those functions I dread. It can also easily be tweaked to get out of going some where in the first place. Who's going to question me when my kids sick?

Though my new found knowledge may be somewhat trivial I think 2 out of 3 will be useful in the near feature. For the other I'll just have to keep a baby bjorn nearby.