Today I found out that my current team is being reorg'd, disbanded, repurposed, decentralized, under new management, realigned…however you want to spin it, I need to find a new job, lest I stick around and get rolled into whatever role the new management has for me. The new management knows nothing about me, save a brief description of my job responsibilities to date and my very obvious impending due date.
So, I find myself in a bit of a quandary standing swaybacked at 5+ months pregnant. After my initial wave of fear and anxiety passes over, I shuffle through some ancillary thoughts:
- What can I wear in an interview that makes me look less pregnant? First impressions are key, and if I don't pick the right clothes, at first glance my interviewer may think I just got a overindulgent boob job or will conclude that I am a dairy cow in training.
- What snacks can I pack to get me through endless hours of interviewing? Interviews typically run long and are usually scheduled back to back with multiple people in the respective group. I'll need something filing and easy to eat. Like an oyster shooter, but without the grit of raw seafood and the aftertaste of kelp.
- How do I explain my commitment and dedication to my career and my desire to go the extra mile flying the corporate flag when my hands are resting on my big baby belly?
- How do I casually ask for a private office so I can pump milk from my increasingly large boobs?
- What if the baby starts kicking during the interview? I haven't quite gotten used to this yet and have made a habit of announcing every time I feel the slightest movement. I would think it inappropriate to blurt out, "good job buddy, that was a big kick" in the midst of my potential new bosses' explanation of how her organization is leveraging assets for a three pronged strategy on fill in the blanks.
- How should I interpret any baby movements, will the baby be telling me the guy behind the desk is full of shit or will he be saying "yeah, mom, this is our guy, he'll be really understanding when you need to leave work early to come get me out of the principals office for throwing dried cow pies at the Science teacher on the 4th grade class field trip to the county fair."
I'm trying to be optimistic. Perhaps this pregnancy is exactly what I need to survive organizational upheaval. A few folks at work have told me that I am "safe", laying off a pregnant lady is against some HR code of ethics I would think. Maybe I can be like Britney Spears and walk through this career crisis wearing a t-shirt with a large arrow pointing down to my belly and a caption that reads. "I Have the Golden Ticket". Hard to imagine I would have much in common with Brit-Brit these days but the fact is, my nether region will be on display for many eyes to see during delivery, my humility and self respect are slipping away daily as I morph into Dolly Does Dallas, and my husband sounds a lot like K-Fed (aka PoPoZow) on karaoke. I wouldn't look so good bald though.
