When the husband got home from work yesterday I sarcastically announced that I learned three new pregnancy tricks all in the course of an otherwise mundane day.
Trick #1 - Turn on Your Heart Light
Remember the title soundtrack to the movie E.T. that Neil Diamond wrote/sung? "Turn on your heart light, let it shine wherever you go. Let it have a happy glow for all the world to see." Apparently my left nipple has been moved by that song. I had left nipple tittie hard-on nearly all day yesterday. The right one, it was sleeping. The left, strategically placed over my heart however, was at full attention, for all the world to see. I took Murphy the Wonder Dog for a walk yesterday afternoon, and I swear as a runner approached me on the trail, his facial expression changed...I suspect he was turned on by my one big pointy heart light.
Trick #2 - Hungry Like a Wolf
Who isn't a fan of Duran/Duran and their saucy 80's tune Hungry Like a Wolf? Me, thats who. When your ass is the wolf and what its craving is your undies, its just a bad scene. Yesterday I was wearing my typical boy short undies, those that are cut straight across the hips. Very comfy, I highly recommend them, they don't ride, they don't show panty lines and they are low enough to wear with any of the low rider jeans. However, to my horror, my ass ate my underwear. I was on my aforementioned walk with Murphy the Wonder Dog and just moments after I mesmerized a jogger with my tittie heart-on/heart light, I got a wedgie! As if my body was playing double jeopardy...what kind of madness am I dealing with here? Have I NO control over my body? Read on, and you'll understand why by the end of the evening I resigned my body to humorless nature.
Trick #3 - The Sneeze 'n Pee
I did a little housework yesterday, which in the normal course of such chores, kicked up some dust...which made me sneeze...which in turn made me pee my pants. Hmmmm, an accident I tell myself. I really have been trying to drink more water, I guess I didn't realize my bladder was so full. I went to the bathroom, then changed my clothes, and returned to sweeping our very dusty kitchen floor...only to sneeze again and wet my pants AGAIN. WTF? I changed my pants again. This is frustrating, now I am recognizing what old Freud and his fellows would call cause and effect. With just the stairs left to vacuum, I went at it again, without sneezing, hooray. Then I took my soiled undies to the laundry room, put the clothes that were in the wash into the dryer, cleaned the lint trap, and you guessed it...sneezed and peed my pants.
The good news is this just may be my golden ticket to getting the husband to agree to a housekeeper. Either that, or he'll pick me up a box of Depends and a new mop. I suppose the Depends would give me practice in diapering... Its hard to stay positive when Mother Nature has such a damn funny sense of humor, and I'm the butt of her every joke!
