I'd like to start a petition that would gag massage therapists from talking while they have someone on their table. The petition would be called "Shut Your Pie Hole and Rub My Back!", and would apply to hair stylists as well. I get my mani/pedi at the local "Your Nails/Pretty Nails/Lovely Nails" in the strip mall down the street, and the language barrier serves me well. I get to enjoy the treatments in silence, save the Asian banter that goes on between the gals at the salon, but I can ignore that, as I know they are only talking about me, not talking to me.

I was so excited last week to find a massage center that has the pregnancy tables (a hole cut out of the center of the table for your big ass belly (BAB). I had a prenatal massage a few weeks ago and had to lie on my side. Its always nice to have someone rub your back, but I really wanted more pressure, the relief from someone standing above and leveraging all their body weight to rub the knots out of your back muscles. I made an appt straight away.

I walked into my appt to find out my masseur is a mister, a dude massage therapist is awesome, I was thinking maybe this guy can work out the weeks of sleeping on a soft bed at the hand of my cranky insensitive husband. And so he begins the massage, this is going to be great, I'm thinking. He is really digging into my muscles to the point of making me cry out "Uncle!". And then he starts in with the pregnancy questions....I knew it was going to be liberal diarrhea of the mouth when he posed his first question..."are you going to have a doula or a mid-wife?"

Oh shit, here we go. And in rapid fire succession came the following follow up questions...did I know that 80% of the women in rest of the world do not deliver babies in hospitals, that the pharmaceutical companies have succeeded in scaring pregnant women in the states into having medicated hospital births? Did I know that for centuries women have been delivering babies with the help of mid-wife's and doulas and that my body is made to go through delivery without the help of an MD, or his array of medicine???

I laid there, lubed in massage oil, in a half state of sleep and made the conscious decision to let him go on. I didn't want to disagree with him, because he is quite possibly the best masseuse I have ever been to. As a new parent I thought, I know there are times you have to stand up for what you believe, like Kenny Rogers says, you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. So I lay there in silence and decide to "hold 'em", as in my tongue, while I lay stuck between a liberal and a hard place. He went on to espouse an indie movie called "The Business of Being Born",  giving credence to the film by telling me that Rikki Lake produced it. Um…and her credentials on the delivery of healthy babies is what exactly??? This is the lady whose known for a dramatic weight loss, a talk show that rivaled Jerry Springer and Geraldo and a fantastic performance as a chubby girl who likes to dance in HairSpray.

To be fair, I've added this movie to my Netflix queue (really its my husbands Netflix queue, because he says I can't choose good movies to save my life, and this selection will likely prove him right). I did go to the web site and watched the movie trailer (YouTube excerpt pasted below). From what I saw, I can assume this movie is much like the Michael Moore movies, they aren't documentaries as much as they are opinion pieces.

Irregardless of the unsolicited advice, I did make another appointment for a massage with New Age Birthing Plan man. Maybe I should kick off the conversation recounting untold stories from family and friends who have needed medical intervention during delivery due to unforeseen circumstances that caused the babies heart rate to drop dramatically. Listen, go the doula/home birth route if that is your thing. Its not for me, and so "Shut Your Pie Hole and Rub My Back" or I'll take my business to Chinatown where the language barrier will provide some peace and quiet.